red EYES.

I'm having trouble sleeping lately and although I've been trying to refocus my attention and efforts and to avoid the obvious truth I can't continue to pretend. You're even in my dreams. And thoughts of you that feel so real in the land of the subconscious bring me to silent solitude in the early morning dark world of the conscious. I understand the inconvenience of the timing and I don't want to be disrespectful to the life you're choosing. I just want to be real for once in my life. This is how I feel and you're who I still want. "been about you and I'm still about you."

 I feel unsatisfied and insatiable. And as much as you should be where you are, I have to say that you should be here too. She's not the only one who needs and deserves you. I often times feel alone in this as you haven't uttered one word to edify what appears to be crumbling before my eyes.  I still would choose you a million times over and will stay in my tortuous lane of best friendship place. I'm so sorry that I was incapable of finding the words to express myself honestly to you when I saw you last. I feel like my actions didn't even suffice, although I was trying to tell you everything, it seems like it wasn't enough. Maybe you heard me but have no reply.

We only exist in secret and that is hurtful to my soul. It's not about acknowledgement from other people or FB statuses and tweets. It's more about respect from people who know and love you as much as I do to know that I too am an integral part of your story and existence. I too have been "putting in work" for many many years to keep our relationship alive. And it has been in full bloom over this last year and that is factual regardless of what may or may not have accelerated it. Sometimes I don't want to be the strong one or the one who's going to be ok or the one who's going to find someone new. Sometimes I want to not be ok and I don't want to find someone new and I can't be strong. This is one of those times and I don't get to choose. The choice is with you and I don't think you're ever going to choose me.

There is an extensive body of work of writing that one day I will give to you, maybe then you'll really understand just how much.